holding hands

what i know today

2011-09-30T12:11:00.003-05:00

i'm totally helpless, but God is all-powerful

i'm absolutely clueless, but God is all-knowing

i'm full of worry, stress, and anxiety, but God is the King of peace

i feel like nothing, but God is everything

...but he said to me, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. that is why, for Christ’s sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when i am weak, then i am strong. - 2 corinthians 12:9-10

last name

2011-08-23T15:13:00.009-05:00

i am not really a music lover (in the sense that i get excited about new songs coming out or want to go to concerts or anything). i do like music, but i don't spend much time listening to music other than in the car. or at christmas. i start playing christmas music as soon as halloween is over. but that's really more a love of christmas than it is a love of music...but that discussion is for a different post.

even though i am not a music lover per se, i do really enjoy singing along with the radio while driving. i love to drive by myself and just belt it out. one reason i don't really like new music is that i don't know the words and can't sing along. when i was little i would always be so disappointed when the tape jackets didn't have the lyrics for all the songs. i want to sing along and i want to have all the words right.

one song i love to sing in the car is carrie underwood's last name. now, i CANNOT sing like carrie underwood. not even close. but when i'm alone i don't really care. sometimes even when brent's with me i don't care. poor guy really needs earplugs to live with me.

anyway, i really love to sing that song. i don't know why - i cannot relate to anything about that song. i have never ever been to vegas. i have never been "picked up" by a stranger. i have never woken up realizing i was married to someone i didn't know. maybe the rebel inside me that i've been suppressing all these years thinks that song is so exciting because she goes out and does something totally crazy. i don't know. regardless, i love to sing that song.

when i stop and think about it, though, the situation in that song is a really scary one. what if i woke up and i didn't know my last name because i had married some stranger when i was in a drunken stupor? i mean really? talk about panic attack. (in all reality, in this day and age it would have been totally fine for her to keep her maiden name. but that's beside the point.)

what if we didn't know our last names? what if we didn't have last names? when you think about it, last names are a really big deal. my last name is a huge part of my identity. if i just walked around all the time saying "hey, i'm katie. yes, just katie." how in the heck would people know i was any different from the 100 other katies they know? i totally think last names are a big deal. (and i am sure most people would agree that last names do help with keeping things straight. as do social security numbers.)

but more than just for organization, last names tell us about who we are. my maiden name tells me my roots. my married name tells me that someone committed to spending his life with me. both names tell me that i am part of a family. some people might balk at my saying that my last name tells me who i am. they may tell me that i need to find my own identity, which should be separate and apart from my parents, sisters, and husband. but i don't buy that. my identity can't be separate from theirs...i am who i am because they are my family. and i am thankful for that.

yes, last names tell us who we are. they tell us where we belong. they (hopefully) tell us who will always have our backs. they tell us who loves us. i share my maiden name and last name with people who take care of me and people i get to take care of.

and as of friday, august 5, brent and i share a last name with this little darling:

this is our little miss ethiopia. and now she has our last name.

her new last name tells her who she is, where she belongs, who will always have her back, and who loves her.

and oh my goodness she is so cute.

the commercial

2011-07-26T14:04:00.008-05:00

confession: i love watching tv.

i know, i know. there is nothing good on. tv turns your brain to mush. tv is bad. blah blah blah blah blah.

i know there is trash on tv. but really i just love the food network and qvc. i love demonstration tv. i love being sold or convinced of something. i am a marketer's dream.

it is very difficult for me to go to sleep without watching a little tv, much to brent's dismay. he would rather be listening to mix 92.9. please don't tell him i told you that.

i get really irritated at people who say, "oh, i am just too busy to watch tv." or "i just don't like to waste time watching tv." oh please. i think it's impossible to say "i don't watch tv" without a really holier than thou tone. just shut up. it's fine you don't watch tv, but don't act like i am headed straight through the wide gates because i enjoy an occasional (or nightly) demonstration of kitchen shears or bare minerals make-up.

all of that to say, i very much enjoy watching tv. i'm ok with it.

so now that you know this about me, it should not be a surprise to you that a TV COMMERCIAL was what nudged my heart into wanting to adopt. (i told you i was a marketer's dream!)

i remember exactly where i was when i saw this commercial for the first time. i was sitting in my parent's living room, in my dad's "spot" on the sofa (which is a real no no in our family...that makes 2 confessions for this blog post). i don't remember the exact date, but it was in the fall of 2000. i was in 10th grade.

i saw this commercial, which is for jcpenney, and as soon as i saw it i thought, "i am going to adopt one day."

i have done numerous searches for this commercial on youtube. i knew it had to be out there, but i COULD NOT FIND IT! i have been trying for months (seriously).

and today i found it. it was even better than i remembered.

i am not really tech savvy enough to have a little screen embedded into this post to show the commercial (maybe i should spend more time learning about computer stuff instead of watching tv...), but i can share a link. i hope you will watch...

the commercial that started it all

it's amazing what God will use to prick our hearts.

every time i look at a picture of little miss ethiopia i think, "i am so glad i love watching tv."

i just got schooled.

2011-07-21T16:45:00.007-05:00

four things i've learned:

it's really easy to compare ourselves to others. just today i was reading a blog of someone whom i have never ever met who doesn't live anywhere near me whom i will most likely never meet and with whom i probably have nothing in common (except that we are women who have blogs), and i found myself thinking, "i wish i had a life like hers." i should have been thinking, "shut up satan."

our world wants us to want more, be more, do more, have more, spend more, eat more, work more, relax more, earn more, covet more. and God wants us to love more.

loving someone else really has nothing to do with their feelings towards you. i totally, completely, wholeheartedly, and unconditionally love someone who doesn't even know my name and may not even like me when we first meet. but i love her anyway.

when we are sad, we want someone to reach out to us and lift us up. but sometimes we don't get the comfort we're looking for. in those times, reaching out to someone else and lifting them up provides more comfort than we thought we would ever get.

i feel that God is schooling me right now. is that ok to say? that God is "schooling" me? really He is always schooling me. it's just that sometimes i am sitting in the back of the classroom and i think that i have Him fooled and He doesn't see that i am totally not listening because i can't listen to him and talk to my bff at the same time. but right now i am listening. mainly because He got fed up with me and my bff and he moved me to the front row. i am listening but i'm embarrassed for getting moved and i am trying not to make eye contact with Him.

in grad school (have i mentioned i went to grad school?), when talking about how to deal with students who are misbehaving, we were told to use the "proximity" technique. most students will pay attention to you if you are standing right next to them with your hand on their shoulder.

so basically i think God is using the proximity technique with me and trying His hardest to get me to pay attention.

a friend of mine who might possibly read this post will probably be confused. i was emailing with her yesterday and told her that i felt so far away from God. she might wonder why i said that and am now saying that i am in the front row of His class with His hand on my shoulder.

i felt far away from God because i felt scared and sad and confused. but i realized today that when i am being schooled by God, those feelings are totally natural. of course i am going to be scared and sad and confused! God is trying to show me things that go against what my human nature believes and wants! He is trying to show me that He knows better than what i know and He knows what i need and what brent needs and what little miss needs. and i have been moping around because i thought God had forgotten me, and really He has brought me to the desk right near him.

the four things i wrote about at the beginning are just some of what He has shown me over the past few weeks.

so, i just got schooled. thank you God.

praying for 2 little girls

2011-05-10T16:52:00.013-05:00

one year ago today my life changed forever.

may 10, 2010, was like any other day. it was a monday, the day after mother's day, and i was working, just like i do every day.

just before 3:00 that afternoon i received an email from a local adoption agency. it was an email with pictures of waiting children (children who have special needs or children who are older) who needed families.

there were several children's pictures in that email. all of them beautiful. all of them in desperate need of a family.

however, one picture changed everything for brent and me.

i don't know what it was about that little girl. i don't know why she caught my attention. i had seen so many pictures of waiting children. of course i wanted so badly for each of them to have a family, but it wasn't until i saw her picture that i thought about having one of those children as my child.

sometimes i think about her, and in my mind i refer to her as "the face that launched a thousand ships" because her picture was what launched brent and me into the active process of adoption.

we spent a month of last year thinking that she could be ours. we knew there were no guarantees, but we couldn't pursue her adoption without preparing ourselves to be her parents. and we couldn't prepare ourselves to be her parents without loving her. oh, and we did love her. we still do love her.

my heart ached so bad when we found out she wouldn't be ours. i was so confused! i didn't understand why God would have done this to us. why would He give us love in our hearts for a child that was never going to be our child? why would He put us through that pain? what had we done to deserve this? weren't we just trying to follow His leading?

i would have never admitted this at the time, but i was so angry. it didn't make any sense to me. for several months i would burst into tears at random times because something about her came to my mind. i thought i had it all figured out and knew what God wanted for us, and i hated that i was wrong.

it took me a long, long time to come to this realization:

she wasn't meant to be our little girl. she was meant to change our lives.

because of her, we actively began the adoption process.

because of her, we opened our hearts to a waiting child.

because of her, we began to learn what trusting in God really means.

because of her, we started to realize what's really important in life.

because of her, we are getting to adopt the one who was meant to be our little girl.

we will always love that little girl. no, she won't be our daughter. and yes, we LOVE our little miss ethiopia and will always love her and Lord willing she will be our daughter very soon. but, i don't think we are supposed to ever stop loving that little girl. God used that little girl to change our lives!

so yes, we love two little girls. both are precious. both needed families. both changed our lives.

so tonight, this is my prayer for those precious girls:

Lord, we know you have the most wonderful plans for our lives. Lord, we know that your plans don't always make sense to us, and sometimes our hearts hurt because we don't understand. but Lord, we thank you for always taking care of us and for wanting only the best for us. thank you, Lord, for that little girl. thank you for creating her in your image. thank you for what she has taught us. thank you for giving her a family. bless her, Lord, and bless her family. give them more love than they could have ever imagined.

and Lord, please watch over our sweet baby. please give her good rest and everything she needs.

and Lord, please bring our baby home soon.

his unspeakable gift...

2011-05-03T17:26:00.015-05:00

"thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift." - 2 corinthians 9:15

i told you that verse would be on this blog again.

the fact is, i already planned to use it again. i knew exactly when and exactly how. i just couldn't post it in blog world...until now!

brent and i are thrilled (beyond thrilled really...more like ecstatic, bouncing off the walls crazy happy) to announce that we have accepted the referral of the most beautiful little girl we have ever laid eyes on! we could not be more excited about her, and we can't wait to get her home!

now, since i know you are all dying to ask, i will go ahead and answer some frequently asked questions:

wait, how did this happen so quickly? i thought it could be another year (or more).
we had originally thought we would get on the waiting list and wait for a referral, and that wait could have been at least a year. but, our little one was a waiting child - she was waiting for a family, and we CHOSE her! actually, God chose her for us, but He showed this precious face to us, and we knew we had to bring her home.

how and when did you find out about her and choose her?
you may want the short version of this story, but that ain't happening. so, get comfy.

many, many months ago, right after we had started this process, i blogged about meeting an adoptive mom, kristi, at chick-fil-a one afternoon - very randomly. kristi and her husband adopted a little girl from ethiopia and posted a video about it on you tube. seeing this video had been a real encouragement to us, and opened our eyes to the whole ethiopian adoption world. then in january, brent and i ran into kristi and her entire family (and that is a crew!) waiting to get their fingerprints for their second adoption. we just happened to both show up at the same time to get fingerprinted. while we waited for our names to be called, we got to visit with the family and talk all about their upcoming adoption and kristi's recent trip to ethiopia with her sister kelly, who runs ordinary hero...

talking to kristi and hearing about what they had done on the trip got me thinking about ordinary hero and about all the kids they saw while in ethiopia. so i emailed kelly and got the password to view pictures of all the kids who were waiting for families. i saw a certain little girl...and i had to know more about her. but, the next thing i new, her status was "adopted". i couldn't be too sad because i knew it meant there was one less orphan, but i could never get her off my mind.

fast forward a little bit, and i read this blog post (read the part at the very end)...

so she was still waiting. waiting. waiting. and God was telling me she was waiting for us.

here was the only problem...brent didn't know about any of this. whoops. i figured it was kinda important for he and i to be on the same page about decisions like this.

so, we talked and prayed and talked and prayed some more. it was not the easiest decision we have ever made. our hearts were with her, but satan was using our heads to scare us. i mean, we had been down the waiting child road before, and we were only left with broken hearts. and in order to adopt this precious baby, we had to change agencies. and then what if we did all the work to change agencies and then someone else chose her before we could?

and in the middle of all this talking and praying (and the whirlwind going through our minds), brent's sweet grandfather passed away. let me just say this, making tough decisions is not made any easier by being sleep deprived and emotional. i'm just sayin.

then on sunday, march 20, brent passes me a note during our morning worship service. it read: "i think we should do this." i thought i was going to jump out of my seat and start screaming with joy. but it was right in the middle of the sermon. (yes, dad, we were passing notes during your sermon. sorry.)

so, we did it. on wednesday, march 30, we officially accepted the referral of "baby m" from ethiopia. the huge weight that had been on my head and heart just disappeared. (unfortunately the huge weight that has been on my hips is still there.)

on that very same day, we find out that kristi's new son and murray and jaime's little girl have been living at the VERY SAME PLACE as our little one! (btw, murray and jaime are friends of friends - and now our friends - who actually used to live with my former boss when they first moved to our area!) and on the very next day, jaime offered to take a care package for us when she and murray traveled to ethiopia for their court date! so our sweet baby m has now seen pictures of us, and we have seen pictures of her looking at pictures of us (i think she was underwhelmed).

so, when do you get her?
well, we really can't say with much certainty. we do know we have (as of yesterday) been submitted to court. that means we are just waiting to get "on the docket" for a specific date. we will go for our court date (that is when we meet her for the first time) and then again for our embassy visit (that is when we bring her home forever!). but, we will keep you posted when we know more about the time frame.

so where is her picture?
well, we can't post her picture anywhere, but we will be MORE than happy to show you a picture if you see us! we're kind of annoying about it.

but until you see us, you can see a picture of her car seat.

we have been so blown away by God's awesome power, by the love of family and friends, and by this adorable little girl! we can't wait to meet her.

what an awesome, mighty God we serve.

my name is katie and i am a yard sale-holic

2011-04-30T23:35:00.008-05:00

i have been in denial about this long enough, and it's time for me to come clean. i am a yard sale-holic.

what is a yard sale-holic, you ask? well, the 2 most common types of yard sale-holics are: type a (shoppers) and type b (sellers). i have been diagnosed as a type b yard sale-holic. i could never, ever, ever be diagnosed as a type a yard sale-holic. ever.

truth be told, i HATE going to yard sales. HATE. i don't even like shopping in stores, where things are clean and unused, much less where things are dingy and worn out. and usually it's hot outside, and i really don't like hot.

HOWEVER, hosting a yard sale is an entirely different story. it's not even the same. when you are the host of the yard sale, you can:
1. plan it for the fall or spring, not the summer (to avoid the much despised hot)
2. rid your own home of dingy and worn out stuff
3. sit in lawn chairs

yes, hosting a yard sale is a great idea. i totally believe that statement. after all, i am a type b yard sale-holic.

i didn't realize about my addiction until just recently. brent and i, along with our families, were in the middle of a yard sale (my nirvana), discussing previous yard sales we had hosted. brent and i have lived in our home 3 years and 4 months, and we just hosted our THIRD YARD SALE since we moved in. the reality hit me like a mack truck. i vowed then and there that i would seek help.

we did have a great excuse for this third yard sale, though. this whole yard sale was in honor of our little miss ethiopia...and every penny from the sale is helping us bring her home. and let me tell you, it was CRAZY! it was not a recipe for a good yard sale, and here's why:
1. it was cold. cold cold cold. and a little misty.
2. not one item had a price tag. (well, my sister had this pewter strawberry that she was very attached to and she did price that one item. but nothing else was priced. nothing.)
3. we didn't put an ad in the paper.
4. we had originally planned on selling friday and saturday, but i think it rained about 20 inches on friday. so, we were off schedule, the ground was mushy, and the world around us was just generally damp.
5. everyone participating in the yard sale was exhausted before the sale even started.

no, a yard sale on april 16, 2011, was not necessarily a good idea.

for our two previous yard sales, we had perfect weather. perfect. we put an ad in the paper. most items were priced. the ground was dry.

and in those two yard sales, we almost made just enough money to make it worth it. almost. but this yard sale was different. yes, it was a recipe for disaster, but it could not have been farther from being a disaster.

i totally, one hundred percent with all my heart believe that God worked a miracle with this yard sale.

we had non-stop customers. we had people that came and stayed for 2 hours. we were all in a good mood (even though we had about 3 hours of sleep). we got rid of so much stuff! and people paid money for all that stuff!

God was so good to us on the day of our yard sale. He helped us get so much closer to our little girl. He helped us see what a wonderful community of family and friends we have. He reminded us of what our friends (and adoption champions) scott and gwen oatsvall say: "God funds what He favors." i can tell you with all my heart that He certainly does.

so many people helped make the yard sale possible. mom, dad, amie, tom, laura, seth, bethany, justin (my wonderful parents and sisters and brothers-in-law), vicki, jimmy (my wonderful in-laws), memom (my precious grandmother), you all were INCREDIBLE! we could not ever have even fathomed doing that without you. you rock.

so many friends donated stuff to be sold, brought food, moved stuff out of my garage, promoted on their blogs (thanks, jennifer!), shopped, prayed, and just encouraged us in what we were trying to do.

it's almost embarrassing for me when i think about everything people have done to help us in this process. we so do not deserve the family and friends by whom we have been blessed. God is so good. so, so good.

i was downtown the other day and drove by the lifeway building. i have never noticed before but they have all these verses chiseled into the stone. i was stopped for about 10 seconds, waiting for a traffic light, and i saw my new favorite verse in the Bible. i have never, ever, seen or heard this verse. but seriously, i need to be saying this all the time:

"thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift." - 2 corinthians 9:15

you will see that verse on this blog again.

to make a long story short...

2011-04-01T15:19:00.006-05:00

i don't have much time to write, but i did have to share one thing:

IT IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING HOW GOD WORKS!

i cannot wait for my little girl to one day hear the whole, long, dramatic story of how she came to be our daughter and how the Holy Spirit was with her daddy and mommy every step of the way.

"My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior..." - Luke 1:46-47

have a great weekend!

i've never been one for races...

2011-03-06T19:10:00.011-06:00

it's true. i really hate races. i've never been a fast runner. i never participated in the races at the skate center (the ones they did at the very end of the night before they closed) even though all my friends did. i always hated races in p.e. class, and i never really understood why p.e. teachers seemed to enjoy making unathletic kids feel bad about themselves. side note - i remember several times in elementary school when our p.e. teachers just had us run laps in the gym for the whole class. what a great way to get 3rd graders excited about exercising!

races stink.

well, that's not totally true. races kick butt when you are winning. i would have loved racing if i had ever been fast. i love winning, so i would have been all about racing if i ever thought i could win. i am not a good loser at all. i am a sore loser. and when you already know you are slow/unathletic, losing something (which just serves as a reminder of your slowness/unathleticness) is really not fun at all.

so really, i guess i should just say this: losing stinks.

so what does this have to do with anything?

right now i feel like i am losing the most important race ever.

and it really, really stinks.

i KNOW the adoption process is not a race. i know that. but it's so hard to remember that. i know our situation has been different than others...we started this journey differently than most others do, and our journey has taken turns that we did not expect. our agency (which really is wonderful - they have been so good to us) does things differently than other agencies - and for most of those things i am very, very thankful! however, our process does seem to be moving a little slower than those around us. and it stinks.

it stinks because we already love her, and we want her to be here. it stinks because i don't know who is caring for her, and i want to be the one caring for her. it stinks because our friends and family already love her, and they want her to be here. it stinks because i don't know if she has a warm bed or if she has a full tummy or if she has clean hands or if she is getting hugged and kissed and told that she is loved. it stinks because everyone seems to be in a panic about the future of ethiopian adoptions, and we don't know what it means for us or for her. and it stinks because i really don't know what i can do about it.

it stinks for all those reasons. i am not ashamed to say any of that. but, i am ashamed to admit this: it stinks because i don't feel like i am "doing the adoption thing" as good as everyone else.

i thought this was going to be different. yeah, it's no secret that i have never been the prettiest/skinniest/smartest/richest/most organized/funniest/best dressed/most athletic/most spiritual/kindest/you fill in the blank-est. but, i thought i might be really good at this. i thought i would start the process and get a blog and meet all these other adoptive moms and they would love me because we are all going to have racially diverse families and we would be best friends and i would go to fundraisers and i would know all the right things to say to inspire others and i would find my niche and our adoption would go really fast because i would be all over the paperwork and i would have everything timed perfectly and i would be in touch with all the right people and everything would just be great.

it hasn't turned out that way. i am not winning the adoption race. i am not the cool adoption mom that i wanted to be.

somewhere in the midst of all my competing and comparing and stressing, my loving, patient, all-knowing Father God gently reminded me:

NONE OF THAT MATTERS. AT ALL.

the ONLY thing that matters is that God be glorified through the adoption of our precious child.

this adoption is not about me. this adoption is not about how quickly (or slowly) brent and i are moving through the process. this adoption is not about what we want to do for this child.

this adoption is about our getting out of the way and letting God work a miracle to bless our lives, her life, and to show others what an incredible and mighty God we serve.

if i try to "win" this race, i will lose. it's a good thing that God wins every time. He's just waiting for me at the finish line. He knows i'll get there, and He knows the exact moment i'll get there. He's not concerned with me being the fastest. He just wants me to "run with perseverance the race marked out..." (Hebrews 12:1). and whenever i get there, it will be exactly as it should be.

ps - i need to make sure that everyone knows something: i have met a lot of other adoptive parents. they have been nothing but wonderful to me and brent. we are so blessed to live in a community with so many families who have adopted (and are in the process of adopting) and are more than willing to encourage us and share their stories with us. my thoughts are relating no one's shortcomings but my own.

goodbye 2010...welcome 2011!

2011-01-24T18:09:00.014-06:00

oh it's just been so long since i have blogged. too long, really. of course, you already know this because you can clearly see that my last post was on november 6. really? november 6?

i haven't technically been avoiding it...but i am the world's worst procrastinator when it comes to writing. and it's not really procrastinating as much as it is partial writer's block. i can usually write a lot, but it only comes in spurts. i used to have a job where i wrote a lot of letters. my boss would give me these letters to write, and he would usually only give me like 3 or 4 at a time, but for some reason i would get so overwhelmed at the thought of writing those three letters. i would sit down at my computer and have no idea what i was going to say. so after a while, i would just put the letters in a stack. and sometimes the stack got high. (i should note that it wasn't like a was just shoving the letters off and kicking back...i always had plenty of work to do, and then plenty after that). but, when i got in the writing mood, i could bang out like 15 or 20 letters in one afternoon. one of habits was to go over to the office on a weekend, turn my tv on, watch something really intellectually stimulating (like "real housewives"), and write letters. i knew i wouldn't be interrupted by a knock at the door, my office phone wouldn't ring, and i was in the mood to write.

the entire last paragraph was a really, really long way of telling you how i have to be in a writing mood to be able to write anything at all. i kind of feel like stephenie meyer. i mean, she doesn't seem to be in the mood to finish "Midnight Sun" (much to my dismay, i might add) so she just isn't doing it. but seriously she needs to finish that puppy. have you read the first part of it that is on her website? if you haven't, go now! have i mentioned i'm a twi-hard? and yes, i totally just compared myself and my writing to stephenie meyer.

so yes, 2011 is already moving way too fast. brent and i have been saying for months now, "maybe she'll be home by the end of 2011." well guess what...january is almost over and i am freaking out! we are working on our dossier right now. we mailed off our stuff to uscis, and we are awaiting their approval. hopefully it will be soon. someone told me last week that you never know with uscis. approval could come in 5 weeks or 5 months. great. we keep telling ourselves it's all God's timing, though, and that He definitely, definitely knows best.

the end of 2010 was a crazy whirlwind for us. here are a few of the highlights:

brent and i both graduated! woo hoo! we both walked across that stage and it was like a huge burden was lifted off of us. i am so glad that i am so done with papers and so so so done with proofreading someone else's papers!

aren't we cute? i actually don't like this picture at all because i hate myself in a hat. i mean really, it is sooo obvious that a man designed those things. what woman in her right mind would think hat hair was a good idea on a day you know you have to go to a party?

of course, we graduated from:

yes, our beloved alma mater, LU. this was my third lipscomb graduation. the "lipscomb bubble" jokes can commence now.

then christmas came. oh how fun christmas was! we got to spend time with these cuties:

oh my goodness couldn't you just eat them up?!? these precious angels made christmas such a joy for us...and it made us even more excited to think about christmas with our little one.

the very end of 2010 was a total situation. brent and i celebrated new years eve with him getting the flu and bronchitis. and of course i was the worst wife ever because i had to work on new years eve and day (really long story) so i could not take care of him. so his parents had to take him to some walk-in clinic and get like 4 prescriptions and he was the most pitiful thing you have ever seen. but he is so better now...thank goodness! i really don't know how much more i could have taken of that.

the end of 2010 brought with it a lot of reflection. 2010 was such a weird year. i mean, it was a wonderful year, but a crazy weird year. when 2010 began, we would have never, ever guessed we would be where we are right now. it is so amazing to think of all of the doors God opened (and also of all the doors He closed) for us. we have never been more thankful for His guidance. He continues to open (and close) doors every single day. sometimes the closing doors slam in my face, but i know that i will look back and be SO thankful for the ones He slammed shut!

2010 held a lot of laughter. a lot of tears. days of joy. long nights of sorrow. many hugs. a few cross words (probably more than a few). hundreds of "are you kidding me?"s. hundreds of "i love you"s. and thousands of "i can't wait for her to be home"s.

so, what does 2011 hold? only He knows. i sure can't wait to find out.

oh hello there, blog. it's been a while...

2010-11-06T09:40:00.004-05:00

i am probably the worst blogger ever. it seems that sooo much is going on, and when i start to think of all i really should be writing about, i get overwhelmed and just don't do it. i kinda have the same attitude about housecleaning. but my messy house is really more of an unfortunate situation than my neglected blog.

first of all, i must say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who came to the 147 party a few weeks ago. it was a huge success, thousands of dollars were raised, and so many people learned about the 147 ministry and the orphan crisis. God worked (and is still working) miracles through this adoption. i can't wait for little miss to get here so i can tell her about her God that loves her and about all of her friends and family that loved her before they even knew her!

we just found out last week that our home study received its first approval and is on its way to getting its second (and i think final) approval! we are so excited and ready to hit the ground running on our dossier! apparently someone thought i needed to learn patience because sometimes this whole thing seems to be taking FOREVER! but, we are learning every day how to rely more and more and God and trust in His timing. i have to keep reminding myself of isaiah 40:31 - "but they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength..." it also talks later about running and not growing weary. now wouldn't that be a miracle?

also new in our life...i just started a new job. i got a part-time job at williams-sonoma, and it will probably be just for the holidays. but who really knows? i had my first shift this past week, and i LOVED it! i mean, the whole purpose of the store is cooking, and the whole purpose of cooking is eating, so why wouldn't i love it? i will probably end up buying too much stuff to make working there even worth it, but "so what? who cares?" it really is a dangerous store for me to have access to.

oh also a big announcement...the cutest little blond haired boy ever is now a whole year old!!! last weekend we went to mr. cody's big boy birthday party, and we had the best time. i really have the most precious nieces and nephews ever. i really don't think i am being biased. if we took a vote, i really think they would win.

God has taught me so much over the past few weeks. there has been some really tough stuff going on, stuff you wish would just go away but you know it probably never will. but, God has been faithful. God has given us a family. God has given us some really, really good friends. God has given us peace and rest. God is helping us strengthen our faith.

while we don't know the outcome of this situation or really any situation, we do know this: God has the power to do ANYTHING. and, He loves us.

that pretty much rocks.

party time!

2010-10-08T16:48:00.006-05:00

before i say anything about anything, i must show you this:

i have some of the most wonderful friends that ever were. it's really amazing that i have friends who are so good to me, because i really am not that good of a friend. i am not nearly as thoughtful as most of my friends are...but God has blessed me with some precious angels in my life!

one of my dear, dear friends leigh ellenburg (if you say her name real fast when you talk about her people think you are talking about someone named leigh ellen) is hosting a "party with a purpose"...and the proceeds help brent and me bring home our sweet girl!!!

when leigh emailed me and told me she was doing this, i was floored. i wasn't surprised that she would be so sweet, but i was just so humbled at the priceless people God has put in my life!

anyway, anyone who wants to come to this fun party (and the best part is you get to buy things for yourself!) is so welcome to come shop!!! just be sure to check out 147millionorphans.com to see all the great items that will be there! thank you leigh for your sweet heart!

this whole "fundraising" thing is a little new to me, and it is also a little hard for me...i actually sat with leigh and cried in chick-fil-a because i was so overwhelmed and scared at the thought of someone feeling pressured to give us money. i would never, ever, ever want anyone to feel pressure. however, i am unbelievably thankful for those people who have already given (you know who you are) and for those who have said they would do anything to help us get our girl home. i can't explain what that does to a girl's heart! so many people have offered hugs, prayers, encouraging words, housecleaning services (more on that later), and even a listening ear...i mean, brent and i have been given sooooo much more than we deserve. God is so so so so good - and i learn that more and more every day. thank you to all of you who have supported us - you are priceless!

just a few questions i have been pondering lately:

why do i think my house looks fine most days...but then panic over every little thing when i know my social worker is making a visit? (btw, this is the reason my precious momma and my sweet sister laura and my wonderful m-i-l vicki offered to come help clean.)

why do people who hear you are going to be a mother make a face when they find out you are adopting (rather than being pregnant)?

why is God so good to me even when i am so selfish and neglectful and gossipy and totally not mindful of Him?

why do i sometimes cry my eyes out over a commercial?

why does hair grow fast when we want it to be short and not grow at all when we want it to be long?

how can i have my own radio show (not really my own, but with some of my FUNNY friends)?

and these, my dear readers (all 2 of you), are the questions of my life this week. if anyone has an answer to any of them (or an answer to another, totally unrelated question), please feel free to comment.

are we ready for this?

2010-09-08T14:23:00.011-05:00

this past weekend my sister and her family came in town for the holiday (even though they left before the holiday which i don't understand but it had something to do with my brother-in-law's having to work on monday so really it wasn't a holiday for them so i don't know why they can't come every weekend).

anyway, amie, tom, caroline, and charlotte came to stay at my parents house, and their visits always mean that we not only get to see them but we also get to spend time with laura and her family (because it's more fun to go over to mom and dad's house when they have people in town). we had a super fun time, but then we cried a little because buffies and justin weren't there.

one of the things i love about family being in town is going to church together. sometimes my heart just aches because i don't worship at the same church as any of my sisters. sometimes my heart just aches because we don't all live next door to each other. i love worshipping with my family. it takes me back to antioch days when we were young and life was simple and i wasn't responsible for paying any bills.

church with family is much much different now then it was then, though. now we have all of us adults and four kids under the age of four. and they are such messes. but they are the best messes that ever existed. plus, these are cousins, and everybody knows that the mischief level of normal children raises by 45% when they come in contact with their cousins.

brent and i were right in the middle of the fun on sunday morning, and i was loving every minute of it. every 5 minutes some 2 year old would decide he or she needed to sit on the other end of the pew and step on everyone's toes in the process. the 10 month old would NOT sit still, but some water in a sippy cup and some puffs (whatever the heck those are...they seem a little suspect to me) would occupy him for about 10 seconds at a time. toys were being dropped, water and puffs spilled (and don't forget toes stepped on), but it really was just a normal worship service with kids. about 15 minutes into it, brent looks at me and whispers (with a very stressed out look on his face), "i don't think i am ready for this" i said, "well you better get ready." (i am about as supportive as a training bra.)

i can't say that i haven't had those same thoughts/feelings. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't wonder if i am too young/inexperienced/spacey/unorganized/lazy/you fill in the blank to be a mother. like, do i really know what i am getting into?

here is what i have settled on:
yes, i am too young/inexperienced/spacey/unorganized/lazy/you fill in the blank/and a million other things to be a mother.
no, i don't have any idea what i am getting into.

but, i won't be the youngest mother that ever was. (according to http://www.mothersdaycelebration.com/mothers-day-trivia.html, the youngest mother ever was like 5 years old. umm, gross.) i won't be the most inexperienced mother that ever was. i won't be the spaciest or the most unorganized or laziest or whatever (it would be kind of fun for someone to make a list of who those women were/are. how awful though if your name ended up on that list!).

and, has any mother ever really known what she was getting into? no matter how many classes you attend, books you read, or doctors you talk to, no one can ever really prepare you for being a mother.

we went to a training last night at our adoption agency, and we talked for 2 hours about how to do the right things for your child once you bring him/her home. overwhelming would be a mild way to describe this training. i know we were supposed to leave there feeling more prepared, but i think we just left there realizing how much we don't know. there are all these things you have to think about when it comes to attachment, things that are different than when you have a child biologically. the lady that was running the meeting said, "if we don't get attachment right, nothing else matters." wow. no pressure or anything.

i have come to the realization that i cannot be a good mother. i cannot figure out this attachment stuff. i cannot raise my child the way she needs to be raised. i cannot love her and care for her the way she needs to be loved and cared for. all i will do is totally screw things up.

however, GOD can give me the strength and knowledge i need to be a good mother. GOD has this attachment stuff down, and HE already has a plan for our attachment with her. GOD loves her and is taking care of her and will continue to love her and take care of her and will give me the love and tools i need to love her and take care of her. and when i totally screw things up, GOD will show me how to clean up the mess (or HE will just clean it up for me - like HE does all the time).

i guess brent was right. we really are not ready for this. but God is.

praying

2010-08-14T06:55:00.000-05:00

today i am praying:

that God will drive my dad's car for him.

that God will take away Rick's fears.

for peace for my grandmother.

that hard hearts will be softened.

that God will fill hearts with love and forgiveness, not fear and superiority.

that brothers and sisters will learn to get along.

for reconciliation and recovery.

for all of those Rick is leaving behind.

that i can learn to bite my tongue.

for wisdom.

that God will take away anger and pain.

for motivation.

for safety.

for my parents.

that God will give courage to those who need to stand up for what's right.

that God will help me forgive.

that Rick knows he is loved.

that Satan will lose this battle.

for our baby.

that God will be glorified through our words, our actions, and through Rick's victory.

praise God that we can pray. praise God for always hearing our prayers. praise God for loving us. praise God.

retreat

2010-08-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

so this past weekend brent and i went to hotlanta for a meeting for bc's work. this was kind of a funny weekend for us because brent's job used to be my job. after i decided to come work at bhcc, my former boss asked brent to come work in his office. it has been an unbelievable blessing for both of us. brent is way better at the job than i was, and we are both loving what we are doing now. God really has been good.

anyway, this meeting we went to is called a retreat. what it really consists of is a lot (and i mean a lot) of work so that this group of people can drive several hours to some exotic location (like atlanta, birmingham, or huntsville) and spend less than 24 hours together. the group seems to enjoy it, though, and it has given brent and me a reason to take a little road trip for the past 3 years.

it was a funny weekend, though, because i am not working there anymore, but less than a year ago i was working with/for all of these people. so i was worried that i would be that awkward girl standing around not knowing what to do. and i was. but that's ok because i got to be with brent and stay in a hotel and someone else made my king-size bed and cooked my breakfast and lunch and dinner and gave me clean towels.

one great part of the retreat was seeing a good friend, leigh. leigh is a lady whom i have known for many years, and her husband and brent work together. when leigh found out a few weeks ago that we were adopting, she called me and was almost hysterical on the phone. she has been so happy for us and supportive of us - she is a blessing in our lives. she is a constant source of encouragement and love.

another great part of the retreat was sharing our news with friends we hadn't seen in a while. i just love telling people about this journey, and everyone has been so supportive.

after the retreat was over we got to go see our two favorite girls in the world...caroline and charlotte! i am so happy to be an aunt, and seeing brent with those two girls just made me giddy about how great of a dad he is going to be. they really are so fun and hilarious. caroline is smart! she says things and you're like, "how the heck did you know that?" charlotte is just a nut. she is funny, funny, funny. she is always happy and loves to play.

so we had a fun time with them and amie and tom...we went swimming, had a tea party, played with the fireworks on brent's ipad, played with woody, jessie, and buzz lightyear (and a bear who has been named as the evil emperor zurg - of course he was invited to the tea party so i don't know how evil he really is), went to their new church, and to top it all off we went to mimi's cafe (in honor of our mimi) and ate din din with buffies and justin.

being in the car with brent gave us a lot of good time to talk. i was reminded this weekend about how much i just love him. even though we are not always perfect together, we really do just love being together.

one of the conversations we had in the car worried me, though:

me: you know, we are really gonna have to make sure you know how to cook some stuff before the baby gets here. i mean, in case i am not home one night and you are in charge of dinner. she is going to need food.

brent: wait, i am gonna be home alone with her?

i really do think he is going to be a great dad, though.

unexpected encouragement

2010-07-31T08:19:00.000-05:00

so i know it has been forever since i posted last. i don't know how you have been standing the wait. i know you count on me for your entertainment, and it is really irresponsible of me not to post. i promise to do better about posting in the future. it's just a lot of pressure to have so many people breathing down your neck (judy c. would understand).

so anyway, now that summer is coming to an end (hallelujah) and most of our trips are over (we have saved the most fun for last...a board meeting for bc's work!), hopefully i can have more time to write. well, i should say that i have been doing plenty of writing...just not fun writing. i have been working on my thesis (which, incidentally, i present this afternoon and am not finished with...can you say procrastination?). have i mentioned that i am in grad school? i love to talk about being in grad school. it gives me the opportunity to remind everyone about what a big deal i am.

there is lots to update on (although anyone that reads this blog already knows all of this - however, i write for posterity's sake).

we have officially decided on ethiopia! after lots of prayer and discussion, we really feel that God is leading us to this wonderful country. that is the country our case worker was so excited about, that is the country for which we were dispositioned with no concerns, and that is the country where our hearts are. we are still very much in the paperwork process (don't you just love paperwork?), but we are moving forward every day. hopefully, before too long, we will fly across the atlantic ocean to addis ababa, ethiopia, and meet our beautiful daughter. God already knows who she is, and we are praying for her every day.

while there is so much excitement and joy in my heart about this whole thing, there are some days i feel very stressed and overwhelmed. i tell myself that we are not getting our paperwork done quickly enough, or i think of all the things that could go wrong. this past week i have felt like that pretty much every day. i don't know if it is just exhaustion, or if i am just stressed about my paper (did i mention that i am in grad school), or if it just pms. whatever it is, it has been really discouraging to me.

i was reminded yesterday of what an incredibly awesome God we serve.

several weeks ago, before we had even officially decided on ethiopia, a good friend of mine (shout out to amy b.!) shared a youtube video with me. the video is about a family's "gotcha day" (the day they went to pick up their daughter). it is actually just the mom that goes (the dad was at home taking care of 4 other kids!), but the video shows her going to ethiopia to meet her sweet little girl. i have watched this video many, many times, and shared it with my whole family. it has been a real source of inspiration for bc and me.

so yesterday i was at chick-fil-a with my dad (which was really unusual - not to eat with my dad but for us to meet for lunch at chick-fil-a), and we were walking out the door when i saw her - the lady from the video! i knew it was her because i had watched it so many times - and she had her little girl with her! i was like, omgoodness! i could not believe it. i walked over to her (i couldn't help myself), and said, "i am so sorry to interuppt your lunch, but i just had to meet you. i have seen your video so many times." i started crying and told her that my name was katie, and that my husband and i were trying to adopt from ethiopia, and that she had been such an inspiration to us. she was actually with another woman with her new son from ethiopia and another couple who were talking to her about adoption (they are thinking about it). it really made my day.

i know God put all of us in that place at that time. i continue to be amazed by what He does - He is so good to me! it was just what i needed - and of course He knew that!

so, go watch the video (search for "lucy lane's gotcha day" on youtube), because i think it is so encouraging and inspirational. hopefully she and i will cross paths again.

at the end of the video, they use this quote, which i have fallen in love with:

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do. - Hellen Keller

in case you wanted to know, i had the spicy chicken sandwich at chick-fil-a. it's good, but it is hot!

wishin and hopin and thinkin and prayin

2010-06-22T20:07:00.000-05:00

plannin and dreamin, too!

so yesterday we had a meeting with our case worker. first of all i must say, we LOVE our case worker. she is so wonderful, and has really been a strong supporter of us from the very beginning. she is one of those people who you just want to hug the second you see her, and what really makes me happy is that she always gives me a hug every time she sees me. :)

so we were with our rock star case worker, seeing if we could figure out our options. when you decide to adopt (at least this is how it works with our agency), you have to decide which countries you are interested in pursuing. then you have to be "dispositioned," which basically means approved to pursue. they base this really on the surface details (age, length of marriage, income, etc.). so, we had already been dispositioned for the country that we were originally pursuing (the one where the little girl is from), but we wanted to be dispositioned for two more countries that had really been on our hearts.

anyway, back to our meeting...we where with our case worker, and we told her that we were not limited to the countries for which we were already dispositioned. so she brought out her list of countries and started talking about all the options. what was funny, though, was that she was only mentioning one of the countries we were most interested in. she had never said anything about the other country. so i just blurted out, "well we are interested in _____________ ." i know you are reading this and your jaw just dropped to the floor at the thought of me blurting out anything. i am usually so soft spoken.

well, when i said the name of that country, she just got so excited! she said, "oh my goodness that is awesome! i would definitely recommend that country. i think you should go for it." it pays to blurt.

so, we went for it. we requested to be dispositioned for both of the countries. and today we got word that we had been dispositioned for both countries!!!!

so now we are thinkin and prayin and wishin and hopin. we both feel pretty strongly right now about which country we are planning to pursue...but we just want to leave it with God for a little bit. we know He will guide us and lead us to our child.

"I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths." - Proverbs 4:11

distraction

2010-06-18T17:16:00.000-05:00

this is going to sound like complaining for a few minutes...just deal with it.

this week has been crazy, and i am absolutely exhausted! the work week started on sunday right after lunch...and on friday night it's still not over. bhcc just finished vbs 2010 (a stellar success, by the way), camp starts a week from sunday (omg), and the honduras brigade leaves in less than a month. it was one of those weeks when i got to work in the morning and about 10 minutes later it was 8:30 p.m....to top it all off, this is a class weekend for me (of course), so that means thursday and friday were super rushed.

so i have been thinking all day about how tired i am and how i have felt busier than a one-armed paper hanger this week. i sometimes could be accused of being dramatic and pitiful, and this afternoon i was having a blow-out of a pity party.

after about two hours of wallowing it hit me: God is so good.

this week had the potential to be a really, really sad week in our house. after we found out on friday evening that she wouldn't be ours, i couldn't even look at her picture without bursting in to tears. my heart just ached. it was all selfish, i know that, but it was still very much a disappointment for us.

but here is the amazing thing...i have not had time to think about the sadness this week. God has kept me busy all day, every day! He has taken such good care of me, and He has given me the chance to celebrate, laugh, love, and be loved this week. yes, i am exhausted and the only thing keeping me going is the thought of a nap this sunday afternoon. but this has been one of the best weeks i have had in a long time!

i think the next few weeks are only gonna get better!

please pray on monday. we have a meeting with our case worker to discuss our options for moving forward. we are so excited to see what God has in store.

God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He's so good to me.

the beginning of a journey

2010-06-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

"The LORD your God has blessed you...He has watched over your journey through this vast desert...the LORD your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything." - Deuteronomy 2:7

so many things have been going on lately, and i don't even know where to start. we are definitely at the beginning of a journey, the kind of journey with an unknown destination. part of that is very exciting - we consider ourselves pretty boring people, so anything that shakes up the norm is usually welcome. however, part of that is very, very scary. we had reached a point in our life that was so comfortable and blessed - we both absolutely love our jobs, we are both about to finish grad school, we have never been happier together, and we have great friends, wonderful family, and a nice place to live. God has been so good to us, and we have definitely seen and felt his blessings in our lives. so, the norm was feeling pretty good, and a shake up was very unexpected.

brent and i have always known we wanted kids - that has never been a question. we want a house full of them! we also have always known that adoption is something we were very interested in. we never knew exactly what an adoption would look like for us (domestic, international, baby, special needs, etc.), but we were just open to God's leading. we didn't know how or when, but we just knew that was something we wanted for our family.

the day after mother's day, may 10, 2010, God put a burning in our hearts - a burning we could not ignore (nor did we want to ignore it). God sent us a picture of a little girl, and we both wanted more than anything to bring that little girl home. i have never felt that way about a child - it was so unbelievable. i love love love my nieces and nephews and would do absolutely anything in the world for them. but this was different. i could not get this child off my mind. all i wanted was to pray for her, know more about her, and know what i could do to take care of her. i loved - and still do love - that little girl. so many questions were unanswered, so many things about it seemed crazy, but brent and i felt so much peace about the whole thing. we knew there was a reason we had seen her picture, and we knew that God was giving us this love for her and this peace in our hearts.

we dove head first (and wholeheartedly) into the mountain of paperwork that comes with any adoption. we submitted our first application, our second application, references, medical paperwork, psychological evaluations (which we were both sure we had failed!), and much more. we told our families (who were more than ecstatic about the whole thing), our bosses (who were both unbelievably supportive), and a few friends (who have loved and stood by us no matter what) and just waited until the first "cut." we knew that nothing was guaranteed, but we also knew that this was happening for a reason, and we really couldn't help the way our hearts felt about that little girl.

on friday, june 11, we got word that this precious little girl was going to be adopted by another family. praise the Lord for providing a family for her. they are in our prayers, and we are so thankful for the love they have for their new daughter.

however, we are heartbroken. we are sad and we are heartbroken. we have never wanted anything more than we wanted to be that girl's mommy and daddy. besides the unending love and comfort from the Almighty God, the only way we have gotten through the past 4 days is by reminding ourselves that she has a family - a family that is going to love her and take care of her.

so, now what? we don't know exactly what to do now. we are gathering information about all of our options, praying for wisdom and guidance, and seeking counsel and support from our families.

this is truly the beginning of a journey. we don't know the destination. we don't know what all will happen along the way.

what we do know is this: God knows the exact destination. God knows exactly what all will happen along the way.

praise Him for that.