this past weekend my sister and her family came in town for the holiday (even though they left before the holiday which i don't understand but it had something to do with my brother-in-law's having to work on monday so really it wasn't a holiday for them so i don't know why they can't come every weekend).
anyway, amie, tom, caroline, and charlotte came to stay at my parents house, and their visits always mean that we not only get to see them but we also get to spend time with laura and her family (because it's more fun to go over to mom and dad's house when they have people in town). we had a super fun time, but then we cried a little because buffies and justin weren't there.
one of the things i love about family being in town is going to church together. sometimes my heart just aches because i don't worship at the same church as any of my sisters. sometimes my heart just aches because we don't all live next door to each other. i love worshipping with my family. it takes me back to antioch days when we were young and life was simple and i wasn't responsible for paying any bills.
church with family is much much different now then it was then, though. now we have all of us adults and four kids under the age of four. and they are such messes. but they are the best messes that ever existed. plus, these are cousins, and everybody knows that the mischief level of normal children raises by 45% when they come in contact with their cousins.
brent and i were right in the middle of the fun on sunday morning, and i was loving every minute of it. every 5 minutes some 2 year old would decide he or she needed to sit on the other end of the pew and step on everyone's toes in the process. the 10 month old would NOT sit still, but some water in a sippy cup and some puffs (whatever the heck those are...they seem a little suspect to me) would occupy him for about 10 seconds at a time. toys were being dropped, water and puffs spilled (and don't forget toes stepped on), but it really was just a normal worship service with kids. about 15 minutes into it, brent looks at me and whispers (with a very stressed out look on his face), "i don't think i am ready for this" i said, "well you better get ready." (i am about as supportive as a training bra.)
i can't say that i haven't had those same thoughts/feelings. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't wonder if i am too young/inexperienced/spacey/unorganized/lazy/you fill in the blank to be a mother. like, do i really know what i am getting into?
here is what i have settled on:
yes, i am too young/inexperienced/spacey/unorganized/lazy/you fill in the blank/and a million other things to be a mother.
no, i don't have any idea what i am getting into.
but, i won't be the youngest mother that ever was. (according to http://www.mothersdaycelebration.com/mothers-day-trivia.html, the youngest mother ever was like 5 years old. umm, gross.) i won't be the most inexperienced mother that ever was. i won't be the spaciest or the most unorganized or laziest or whatever (it would be kind of fun for someone to make a list of who those women were/are. how awful though if your name ended up on that list!).
and, has any mother ever really known what she was getting into? no matter how many classes you attend, books you read, or doctors you talk to, no one can ever really prepare you for being a mother.
we went to a training last night at our adoption agency, and we talked for 2 hours about how to do the right things for your child once you bring him/her home. overwhelming would be a mild way to describe this training. i know we were supposed to leave there feeling more prepared, but i think we just left there realizing how much we don't know. there are all these things you have to think about when it comes to attachment, things that are different than when you have a child biologically. the lady that was running the meeting said, "if we don't get attachment right, nothing else matters." wow. no pressure or anything.
i have come to the realization that i cannot be a good mother. i cannot figure out this attachment stuff. i cannot raise my child the way she needs to be raised. i cannot love her and care for her the way she needs to be loved and cared for. all i will do is totally screw things up.
however, GOD can give me the strength and knowledge i need to be a good mother. GOD has this attachment stuff down, and HE already has a plan for our attachment with her. GOD loves her and is taking care of her and will continue to love her and take care of her and will give me the love and tools i need to love her and take care of her. and when i totally screw things up, GOD will show me how to clean up the mess (or HE will just clean it up for me - like HE does all the time).
i guess brent was right. we really are not ready for this. but God is.